Like Notts County…I’ve bought a club

Who do Peter Trembling and Peter Willett think they are? Taking over Nott’s County, backed by Middle East investment, with a vague plan to eventually make County a force to be reckoned with?


In my opinion these ‘Richie Riches’ are not thinking big enough. I on the other hand, with my multi-millions, have decided to take over my local team Camberley Town of the Combined Counties League Premier Division.

How did I become a multi-millionaire you ask…well, I won the Euro Millions, invested the money in Swiss lethal injection drugs (a growing business these days) and came out the other side richer that Sir Alan Sugar.

Unlike Nott’s County, I’m not going to bring in a former International Manager to direct the club. It’s my money and therefore it’s my rules, so I’m chairman and manager. Might I add that as a manager I’ve taken Farnborough Town to the Championship and won 3 trebles in a row with Hamburg – so I know my stuff.


Tuesday 4rd August, 9.15pm

My first day on the job was interesting. I released the whole Camberley Squad (don’t worry I paid them off well) and began looking for a new squad. I consulted the transfer list, conveniently found on the internet. In the hours following I made a list of the 16 players I want for next season.

Tuesday 4th August, 11.45pm

I e-mail their agents offering all there clients around 100k a week, to my surprise they are happy to come (wow that was easy!) Adebayor and Barry were right, footballers really do enjoy new challenges.

So here’s my team for next season. – 4-3-3

GK – Nicky Weaver

At one point Nicky looked like he was going to replace Seaman as England’s number one keeper, however a few mistakes and a couple of injuries later – a lot later – he’s 30 and without a club. Like most players these days, all he needs is an arm around him.

LB – Michael Ball

Another casualty of the Man City re-shuffle. He’s a perfect LB for my formation, I will be looking for Bally (yes, I have given my players nicknames) to add width to the team and I know he can do this.

RB – Moritz Volz

Volz also goes by the alias - the ‘Hoff’ - you can’t hassle the hoff, and neither will any of the left midfielder/left backs that come into contact with him.

CB –  Sol Campbell (c)

We all know about ‘big gay Sol’ - strong, physical and experienced - and that’s before he’s even stepped on the field. He was the main man at Spurs, Arsenal and Pompey. Now he’s soon to be main man at Camberley Town F.C.

CB – Carl Hoefkens


This guy has played for West Brom and Stoke, so he knows what its like to be constantly bombarded with an onslaught of attacking quality. Well he’s not going to get this in the Combined Counties League Premier Division. I’m giving the guy a break actually.


DMC – Didi Hamann


Didi is quality. He’s my free-kick taker and midfield general. He’s German so works like a well oiled machine.


CML – Jerome Thomas

A fringe player at best…that’s all I’ve got.

CMR – Amaury Bischoff


He’s a midfielder and he’s been at Arsenal for a year, which means he can pass really well.  At Camberley his killer balls won’t go to waste as there is no Bendtner to finish them off.


FW – Rui Fonte


Former Arsenal and also the youngest player on my team, Rui is to be my prodigy (the one the fans have never heard of, basically).


FW – Collins John


Originally brought to Fulham by legend John Collins (probably for novelty reasons) this guy has international credibility (2 caps). Precisely what Camberley needs in their front line.


CF – Mark Viduka


The point man is essential in any non-league scrap. My team knows they can rely on route one tactics when the big Oz is on the pitch. Punt safe in the knowledge lads!






Campo – Can touch his hair for good luck.

Rhys Evans – A keeper, also good for Welsh jokes

Danny Mills – Good in a fight.

Gavin Strachan – Blogs for the BBC, can give us good publicity (but poor on pitch)

Van der Meyde – Booze hound, always up for a drink – builds team spirit.

See you in Ten years Premiership!!


Wednesday 5th August, 4.25am

I wake up!


here for the footballing journey.


  • Ash

    ooooh well for this fantasy football with a spin iv just created a team called FC Porno and they play at the stadium of shite (120,000 all seater stadium)

    playing my favourite 3-1-4-2 formation

    (GK)- Nicky Weaver – not copying just the best option

    (3 CB’s) – Ricardo Rocha, Sol Campbell, Danny Mills – plenty of experience, solid with just enough daftness and thuggery

    (DMC)- Dietmar Hammann – nuff said

    (2 MC’s) – Zheng Zhi+ Ivan Campo – crack the asia market for marketing and a crazy hair doo for good measure.

    (RM) – Keith Gillespie – comedy value when he gets himself off barely 10 seconds on a pitch

    (LM) – Julian Gray – All jokes aside iv really liked this guy for years

    (2 ST’s)- Henri Camara + Mark Viduka – little and large, pacy and target man, unbeatable.

    Subs bench
    Dorus De Vries (GK), Ugo Ehiogu (CB), Michael Ball (LB), Dwight Yorke + Matt Holland (MC), Andy van der Meyde (RM/LM), Antoine Sibierski (ST)

    As you can see, my team would own yours. Viva FC Porno

  • Matt Pottinger

    “invested the money in Swiss lethal injection drugs”


    If I had a drink, I’d have spit it out