Disillusions of a Football Blogger Pt.6: The Interview

Suited and wearing a smile James turned up to the swanky ******** offices with a rich vein of confidence. This slowly demised however when I was asked about the legitimacy of this website.

Interview with a Douchebag

Scene one:

Int Day: ********** offices.

It is 9.50am and James Robert Shaw – wearing a grey, fitted suit complimented by a crisp white shirt, a navy skinny tie and a pair of dark brown loafers – is told by his interviewer to sit and wait. The interviewer; wearing a clumsy navy shirt, messy cargo trousers and trainers; offers James a drink of water, which he accepts.

Interviewer:

Hello, James, i’m douchbag I will be with you in ten minutes.

James:

Nice to meet you and of course.

James looks down at the table in front of him where two magazines; Marketing week and The Top 50 viral companies, he pick us the latter and continues to read it. In the corner of his eye he sees douchbag doing very little at his desk (probably on facebook/ twitter), which he proceeds to do for fifteen minutes before returning.

Douchebag:

Are you ready? We’re going up to the fourth floor.

James:

Okay, sounds cool. (Aggh he said cool)

Douchebag walks in front of James, but not before interviewer two; scraggly beard, v-neck top, jeans; joins him. He doesn’t decide to say hello yet and the two start talking to one another.

Douchebag one:

Nice weather today isn’t it.

James:

Erm, yeah it would be lovely to be out there playing football, it would be nice to have the interview outside…

James instantly regrets saying this.

Douchebag one:

Hmmm…

Scene 2:

Int Day: Interview Room 2

The room is well lit, so much so that interviewer two closes two of the three blinds, while douchebag one asks James to take a seat.

Douchebag one:

So James, this is douchebag two

Douchebag two:

Hello.

James:

*While shaking his hand*: Hi there, nice to meet you.

Douchebag one:

So James. You currently have experience with running your own site, how is this relevant for the role you are applying for?

James:

Well, in terms of marketing we use a range of strategies to promote our website. Firstly, we share links with other websites in an attempt to build good relationships between competitors. Our good relationship with caughtoffside for example has helped up to build our traffic and reputation. Also we use both Facebook and Twitter to drive traffic from social networks to our site.

Douchebag one:

So how can you manage a website and have a job at ‘said company’?

James:

Well, Inthestands has always been a passion project, because I am passionate about journalism, sport and marketing. I have used it to show I can achieve something on my own and with a small group of friends and as a result our efforts were rewarded by the Guardian and EPL talk.

Douchebag one:

So if the website ever got big, would you look to leave the company?

James:

Well I would be lying if I was to say that this wasn’t the case. But it is incredibly difficult to make a living from a website…

After realising that he had made a mistake with his answer, James began to perspire. Sweat began to frantically drip from his forehead as he began to panic – He didn’t know whether to defend his site or play ass lick to douchebag?

James:

also…well, erm, I guess I don’t want to; well I don’t think it will be that big – it’s not that big. Other sites have over taken us in the two years we have been running, erm our sites traffic rank has hugely diminished. I guess, and, it’s not what I want to do really, erm, well I kinda want to be a journalist. But I thought marketing would do, but don’t get me wrong marketing is good. My dissertation was about film marketing. So I incorporate that into my site. But it’s not that good, we have lost loads of writers, but it’s not bad either, erm, but it’s still going well…kinda, I guess.

James uses his sleeve to wipe sweat from his dripping brow, by this time his white shirt is see-through and he is constantly fidgeting to find comfort again.

Douchebag two:

What knowledge have you gained from your website?

Douchebag one:

Do you know what PPC, CPC, Impressions, CPI, ETC means, for example?

James:

Er, erm. Yes.

Douchebag one:

So what is PPC?

In a hot flush James struggles to speak. He knows what it is, but he is unable to put a sentence together. He has discredited his website and he feels deeply ashamed, too ashamed to even string a sentence together. There is an awkward pause in the room.

James:

Pppppp…erm, hmm, ahhh.

Douchebag one:

You don’t know do you?

James:

Erm, No….sorry.

After that the world ate up James metaphorically, not literally as he would have wished. He left, without a thread of dignity attached. The interview finished with a disconcerting ‘good’ as douchbag one leaned in to shake James’ trempling and damp hand. He leads James to the stairway, with one final question.

Douchebag one:

Do you play football then?

James:

When I can…

Douchebag one:

Interesting…

James says goodbye and leaves the building in a hurry. Shaken, he reaches for him phone in a hurried attempt to connect with what is good in his life. Texting his girlfriend with the words: “well I defiantly didn’t get that then…”

 

Based loosely on a true story.

 

 


here for the footballing journey.

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  • Andy

    been there