Like sex, football sells. For the good, but usually for that bad – as you will see in 10 swift steps. Please take into consideration that there are thousands more, but for now there is one question I need to ask you  – What’s the  French for Va, Va Voom?

10. NO WORLD CLASS FOOTBALLER DRIVES A CLIO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

9. Sharpie: It really pisses my off when people in the street want my autograph, or banks want my signature to pay off debts. Whatever, same thing. But David Beckham must be on cloud 9 now that he has a Sharpie handy. I mean those pens never run out and conveniently have a hook thing on the lid so you can keep it safe around your neck. Who is this genius product designer?

8.Lucozade: The most talented person I know. A footballer, a presenter, a manager, a coach, a rapper and as shown in this advert a proficient actor.

7. Smints are perfect for Fab, they get rid of Tobacco and coffee stains so his teeth stay white and are also perfect before a game because they contain hardly any calories. Who wants to be bloated before a match, huh?

6. Asda: If I was a footballer I would be bi-curious, I mean curious about working as a fish monger in Asda.

IW – “Oh and Id get paid for doing it, more than the actual fish mongers you say…I would have done it for free, It’s always been a dream of mine”

5. Hansen’s sport challenge: Like Sven Goran Ericsson’s world cup challenge proved, endorsed sport games are something that needs to be addressed in the consumer market. Fortunately Hansen is clever enough to spot this, now us consumers are all warm and fuzzy inside.

4. Wii: With Christmas approaching the idea of family play time is starting to arouse me. But just imagine if It was a star studded family affair, god that sounds like all kinds of fun.

3. Chicken Tonight: I love chicken and it’s likely that I will have it tonight. It’s great how it’s quick and easy, so it gives me time to make my way to the playboy mansion. Also I better put on a strong, posh British accent, the bunnies will lap that up for sure.

2. Brut: In today’s world every footballer is slightly homosexual, whether its a 4 man gang bang after training a smooch and a cuddle on the pitch, or a naked rub downs in the showers. Back in the day however there was no sign of this.

1. Ashley Cole Lottery

SCENE 1 – Manny Corrigan is having a conversation with Ashley Cole.

AC – I’m a multi-millionare and I think I can help people get to where I am

MC – How’s that Ashley, are you going to give them some of your money?

AC – Na, don’t be silly.

MC – Oh I know, your going to invest in sports development in the UK?

AC – Nope, Not that either

MC – So what are you going to do?

AC – I’m going to star in a Lottery Advert.

MC – ….what?

AC – I will tell them that you can have the fortune I have, innit

MC – What,… so how? – this is stupid

AC – Na it’s not, I’m gunna dress up in my 10,000 fur jacket, have my fit bird by my side, I might even lean against my 280 thousand pound Rolls Royce….Oh and i’ll cross my fingers for good luck.

MC – Are you for real…

AC – and thats not the best bit…

MC – Oh, so there’s more…

AC – Yer, I’m gunna get paid for doing it, easy money son.

MC – I hate every bone in your body…

FADE TO BLACK.

SCENE 2 – Newspaper headline the next day. (Front Page of the Sun most likely) “It’s a rollover, Good Luck” – The Coles XXX”

MC – I think I just threw up in my mouth a bit.

Related posts:

1. Top 10 of the week – Football boots
2. Top 10 football songs
3. Top 10 of the week – EPL strike partners
4. Top 10 of the Week – England WC outsiders.
5. Top 10 of the week – Premiership Teens

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